Handling Stupid Comments

How to Handle Stupid Things People Say

As I wrote earlier, even on a good day people say stupid things. But what can we do when it happens to us? Here are some simple tips to help. 

Understanding the Offender

Everyman Stupidity

Every one of us has a stupid moment now and then.  And you just might end up on the receiving end of one of those.  Picture this.  A friend approaches you and you talk about how sad you are after losing your precious pet.  Your friend says, “Do you think this is normal?  I mean, it’s just a pet…” 

How to handle it?  A simple line will do.  “I just can’t talk about that now.”   It works like magic, reminds people to back off and maybe, just maybe, you won’t get stuck with another stupid comment from that person after that.

Repeat Offender

Some people always seem to say the wrong thing.  These are the people we really have to prepare for.  You know them because you get a little knot in your stomach as they approach you.  They might be mean or maybe judgmental about pet loss (it happens), or just plain clueless.  But most likely, they are simply socially challenged when it comes to loss. Try any of these easy tools to ease your pain and reduce conflict.  Getting prepared for the stupid comments helps.  And believe me, they will come.

Give yourself license to avoid. 

Censor phone calls, return their calls when you know they aren’t home and be prepared to dodge them if you see them at the water cooler.  It’s okay.

Affirmation:  It’s okay for me to make small concessions to protect myself.

Rest First

Only talk to or call someone back after you are restored.  You don’t HAVE to return phone calls after a long day or when you are emotional.  Wait for a moment when you are a little less vulnerable.

Affirmation:  I need to take care of myself first.

Safe Communication

Use safer methods of communication.  Emails give you time to recover and respond.  Face to face is the toughest when you are dealing with insensitive people.

Affirmation:  It’s okay for me to avoid the phone call in certain situations.

Consider saying it straight

Consider asserting yourself and telling the person that your feelings are hurt.  Try this:

1.	I understand…	This lets the person know you understand where they are coming from, what they may need
2.	I feel…	This conveys the emotions you feel about what is happening.  Emotions include angry, sad, frustrated, pressured, resentful, hurried, etc.
3.	I need….	This tells the other person exactly what you need from the situation or from them

Example:

  U -  I understand you are only trying to help.

  F -   I feel frustrated.

  N -  I need you to stop telling me to get a new pet.

This is  a simple but powerful tool in dealing with frustrating people or situations.  To strengthen this technique, couple it with the “Broken Record” technique.  For those of us old enough or retro enough to remember records, a broken record simple plays the same part over and over.  Repeat this simple three sentence tool over and over and people will listen.

Example:

Bob says, “I think you would feel better if you get a new pet.  I saw some listed in the paper…”

You say, “Bob, I know you are trying to help me, but I am feeling pressured and I need you to stop suggesting I buy a new pet.

Bob says, “Yeah, I know, but I think you are just stuck… you would feel better if you got a new pet.”

DON’T GET SIDELINED!!! SIMPLY RESPOND…

You say, “Bob, I really understand you want to help, but I am feeling pressured and I need you to stop.”

You will be surprised how powerful this simple tool is and how much it will help with frustrating people.

Meanie

Sometimes people are just mean.  It happens.  When you are stuck dealing with a meanie, try this.

·        Stay calm.  If someone is trying to push your buttons, the best thing you can do is NOT give them the satisfaction.  So, do some deep breathing and stay calm.

·        Assert yourself.  “Don’t talk to me that way.”  “Please stop asking me that question.” Or try the UFN but SKIP the second step.  If a person is a meanie (rare) they will enjoy your discomfort, so  you leave it out.

Example:  I know you have your opinion, but I need you to stop suggesting it.

·        Stay focused.  Don’t defend your statement, just stick with it.  Use the broken record technique if you have to.  Remember. that means, simply repeat the same line over and over.

People say stupid things.  It happens.  But when you are hurting it feels like salt in the wound.  Any of the above tips should help ease the pain of dealing with difficult people during this painful time.